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Post Info TOPIC: Weekend Fun 10.7.21


Master Book-keeper

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Posts: 3786
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Weekend Fun 10.7.21


Sorry, we haven't had one for a little while.

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A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, "Flipping heck lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

--

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery..

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'


She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.

This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head.'

--

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John
!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

--

Whats the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?

A Kangaroo is a Marsupial native to Austalia

A Kangaroot is what a Scotsmansays if hes stuck in a lift.

--

I'm facing the sack at work, because according to them, I'm "The worst accountant the company's ever had." And I "Haven't got a f*cking clue about numbers."

Yeah, whatever. It's nothing I haven't heard befive.

--

Based on statistics, the most common position amongst married couples is Doggy style, This is where the husband sits and begs, whilst the wife rolls over and plays dead.

--

I phoned the suppositoryhelpline this morning. They're very rude, aren't they!



__________________

John

Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.



Veteran Member

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Had to read the accountant one a couple of times before I realised that and the last one



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Riel


Guru

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Posts: 1233
Date:

Thanks John

My mate asked me "Has your son decided what he wants to do when he grows up?" I replied "Yes, he wants to be a dustman" to this my mate responds "Strange ambition to have for a career"

"Well, he thinks that dustman only work on Tuesdays!"



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Doug

These are only my opinions of how I see things and therefore should not be taken as advice



Master Book-keeper

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Posts: 3786
Date:

lol Doug

He could have also opted to be a vicar, seeing as they only work Sundays

Hi Muriel, my mate posted that last one on Facebook last week, and it was definitely a laugh out loud moment.



__________________

John

Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.

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