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Post Info TOPIC: Friday Fun 27.08.21


Master Book-keeper

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Posts: 3786
Date:
Friday Fun 27.08.21


A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Flipping heck lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

--

A young man received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

--

If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice, they're lying.

--

Cadbury's have brought out a new box of chocolates for inconsiderate people.

They're self centred.

--

I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked!"

--

There was a lighthouse keeper called Crighton

Who took to seeing a young lady from Brighton

But ships ran aground, and fishermen drowned

Cos she didn't like sex with the light on

--

I had wanted to become a Doctor but I failed the medical exam by one question, which I was sure I'd got right.

The question was

"Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."

Apparently it's SPINE!

--

How many accident-prone people does it take to change a lightbulb?

We're on our sixth.

--



-- Edited by Leger on Friday 27th of August 2021 11:06:38 PM



-- Edited by Leger on Friday 27th of August 2021 11:11:53 PM

__________________

John

Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.



Guru

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Posts: 1233
Date:

Thanks John

My new girlfriend and I were travelling to meet my parents when she got a flat tyre, so I called my parents and said "Sorry Mum, we're going to be late, my girlfriends got a puncture!" "Oh!" she sighed, I thought you had a real one this time!"

I was so suspicious and paranoid about my wife having an affair that we moved to the Shetland Islands, I couldn't believe my luck when we still managed to keep the same window cleaner.

My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking, apparently Slimming World was not the right answer.



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Doug

These are only my opinions of how I see things and therefore should not be taken as advice



Expert

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Posts: 1982
Date:

Brilliant, thanks for posting John! And you too Doug!

__________________

Amanda



Master Book-keeper

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Posts: 3786
Date:

Lol, I like those.



__________________

John

Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.

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