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Post Info TOPIC: Weekend Fun 31.5.21

Master Book-keeper

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Posts: 3870
Weekend Fun 31.5.21

Cant believe what I saw in McDonalds today. An old man placed an order for one burger , French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
My dog is so clever he reckons he is a carpenter
Every time I shout walkies he makes a bolt for the door
Pulling out of a junction earlier and I couldn't see out of the passenger window so I said to my wife
"Any cars coming from your side" ?
She said "NO"
So I drove out, when she screamed
"BUT A LORRY IS........."
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask
the driver a question and tapped him on
the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost
control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,
drove up over the kerb, and stopped
just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent
in the cab, and then the still shaking driver
"I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologised to the
driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap
on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied,
"No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault"
"Today is my first day driving a cab"
"I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint and a sandwich
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we
don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains
the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to
town.The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman
says to him "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck
that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer
and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman
says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job,
paying really good money!"
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", ask the
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
What would they want with a plasterer?
I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman...

"Mr Ross?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I'm afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike."

I said, "That's rubbish - my dog doesn't have a bike!"
I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo, mate."

He said, "The station?
"Well, I'm a bit late for the battle to be honest"



Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.


Status: Offline
Posts: 1283

Cheers John

Just popped in the library, and asked "Have you got the latest book on constipation?" The librarian replied "It hasn't come out yet" I said "That's the one"

Last week my neighbour asked me "Seeing as our houses are the same size and design, can I ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the Living Room?" "Thirteen" I said. Today, he came over looking angry "I've got three rolls left!" "So did I" I said



These are only my opinions of how I see things and therefore should not be taken as advice

Master Book-keeper

Status: Offline
Posts: 3870

Ahem Doug, you stole one of my jokes for next week!!! (2nd one lol)

The constipation one I hadn't heard before, I like it.

A couple of variations on the library theme

Have you got a book on Pantomimes - they're behind you!

Have you got a book on burglars - No, you won't fetch it back.



Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.

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