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Post Info TOPIC: Weekend Fun 20.3.21


Master Book-keeper

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Weekend Fun 20.3.21


A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for £45,000 to the lovely young lady there."
"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model." The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

 

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys and said to the old man. "There you go Grandad, I told you I could get the joker to lower the price."
 
--

 Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. Polo, Im the one with the hole she said with a Wispa. Im Marathon, the one with the nuts he replied. He touched her Cream Eggs then slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a fab moment as she screamed with Turkish Delight. But 3 days later his Sherbet Dib Dab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts.!

--

A guy asked a girl in a university library:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?

The guy then responded with a loud voice:
£500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH!

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy
whispered in her ear:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people"

--

"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"

It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

--

 

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her scooter and loved to charge around the nursing home

taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence
stepped out with his arm outstretched.
'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a licence for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
  'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
'Not the breathalyser test again.!!!'

--

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other'.
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along'.
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible'.
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along'.
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No', she said, 'I was a prost1tute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey'.



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John 

 

 

 Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.



Expert

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Posts: 1977
Date:

Love them John, Love the Cadbury one the best! I needed cheering up the day I have had!

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Amanda



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"did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position"

Does that string of words actually mean anything? :p

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Vince M Hudd - Soft Rock Software

(I only came here looking for fellow apiarists...)



Master Book-keeper

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Posts: 3736
Date:

VinceH wrote:

"did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position"

Does that string of words actually mean anything? :p


 It might do if you're an Olympic diver smile

My only recollection of diving was at the age of 13 or thereabouts and I did my first dive off the top board.  The result was a massive belly flop that stung like hell.  I was advised to go back and try again, otherwise I would never be able to. I declined and he was right, I never plucked up the courage to try again.



__________________

John 

 

 

 Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.

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