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Post Info TOPIC: Weekend Fun 13.9.20


Master Book-keeper

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Posts: 3602
Date:
Weekend Fun 13.9.20


A farmer owned a donkey that, since the day it was born, was as miserable as sin. It was always moping around and crying so the farmer issued a country-wide challenge; £10,000 to the man, woman or child that make the donkey laugh!

Many came and went, telling the donkey jokes and taking it for days out, but it never so much as cracked a smile. One day, a simple man turns up and whispers something in the donkey's ear. The donkey fell apart laughing! It laughed hard and loud! "Amazing! What was the joke?!" The farmer asked the man, yet he refused to answer and simply took the money and left.

2 weeks later, the donkey is still laughing, and it's making the farmer's life hell, keeping him up at night. So he issues another challenge; another £10,000 to make the donkey cry again. Sure enough, no-one can. Until the same man comes back.

This time, he takes the donkey to the shed and comes back 10 seconds later. The farmer couldnt believe his eyes! They donkey was bawling it's eyes out, even moreso than before! It cried and cried and cried itself to sleep.

"That's it! Before you get your money, you HAVE to tell me!" The farmer says to the man. "How did you make him laugh?!"

"Well," the man began, "I simply said to him my manhood is bigger than than yours.'"

"I see... Well, how did you make him cry again?" The farmer exclaimed.

The man replied, "I showed him!"

--

WOMAN'S DIARY†

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else....


MAN"S DIARY -†

Rhino's lost the rugby. Gutted. Got a jump though.

--

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."† †
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.†

--

A chicken farmer went to a local bar ...
Sat next a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer!
As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different c0ck,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence!'

--

My landlord came round to my flat earlier, and started telling me I need to keep the place a bit cleaner.
I sent him away with a flea in his ear.

--

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the lid off!"



__________________

John†

†Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.



Guru

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Posts: 1121
Date:

Cheers John†biggrin

I just saw a fight between an Auctioneer and a Hairdresser in the pub, they were going for it hammer and tongs.

Just popped into my local pub and asked the barman for a pint of Less "What's that" he asked "I've no idea, the Doctor told me to drink it"

††



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Doug

These are only my opinions of how I see things and therefore should not be taken as advice



Master Book-keeper

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Posts: 3602
Date:

lol, I've not heard either of them before.



__________________

John†

†Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.



Expert

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Posts: 1609
Date:

Brilliant as ever. The jar one cracks me up every time.

__________________
Steve
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