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Post Info TOPIC: Bank Holiday Fun 26.5.20


Master Book-keeper

Status: Offline
Posts: 3579
Date:
Bank Holiday Fun 26.5.20


The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

--

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit Mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! - He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,:-

"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know, Mum" he blubbers,"but it won't be f---ing Coco Pops."
--

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?"

Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big dump.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner..... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a dump first."

--

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Apparently the correct answer was spine.

--

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The
Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the
Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill
you, I will grant you three requests What is your first request?" The Lone
Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief
watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver
is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before,
Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later
that evening, to the Chief's surprise.
Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more
attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the
night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is
your last request." The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse, alone."
Once they are alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I Said
POSSE.

--

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall,
holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they
sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,

"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the
cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze
out over the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny
for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for
a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a
few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned
once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let
me poot ma hand on yer leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her
knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once
again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus".

The young man glanced down with a furled brow.

"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more
serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with
anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit
her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

And he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me
the first three pennies?"



__________________

John

Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.



Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1106
Date:

Cheers John, love the Scottish one!

Some guy sat next to me on the train (before social distancing) and pulled out a photo of his wife "she's beautiful, isn't she? he asked so I said to him "if you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus" and he said "Why? is she a stunner too?" and I said "No, she is an Optician"



__________________

Doug

These are only my opinions of how I see things and therefore should not be taken as advice



Master Book-keeper

Status: Offline
Posts: 3579
Date:

Lol Doug. Which reminds me of the man in the bar slowly getting drunk. After each pint he would pull out a picture of his wife, gaze at it for a couple of seconds, then put it back in his pocket.

The barman is quite intriqued and asked the man why he did that.

"Well" said the man, "when she starts to look attractive I know I've had enough!"



__________________

John

Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.

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