Here we go folks.

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer.
"I'm looking for some cheap flights," I replied.
"Oh that's great love" she said, all excited "Have you found any? I'll help you look."
She usually isn't that interested in darts.

--

After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes anything, what is it?" He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "and now Annabel, while Im laying on my deathbed, here you are by my side, you know what, youre a bloody jinx

--

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the hell out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.' he replied

--

Chatted up a gypsy lass in the pub the other night, and she invited me back to her place to have a good time.. she wasn't kidding either!.

I went on the walzers, the dodgems, the ghost train, and even won a goldfish!

--

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the issues around staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving a lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "My wife."

--

My wife went into a sex shop and asked for a vibrator.

The man said "Choose from our range on the wall."

She replied  "I'll take the big red one."

The man laughed and said  "Madam, that's the fire extinguisher."