My apologies, a little bit late this week.  Been in Doncaster a couple of days so didn't get chance to get it done in time.

A man goes into confession and says to the priest

Forgive me Father. for I have have sinned. Last night I met two nubile young ladies, invited them back to my place, and made love to them both all night long.  
The Priest says "squeeze out 18 lemons and drink it all at once."
"Will that absolve me Father?"
"No but it'll wipe that stupid grin on your face."

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A heavily pregnant woman, who was expecting twins, was in a bad car accident and ended up in a coma for 6 months.  When she finally came round her first thought was for her child.  "Nurse" she yelled, "Are my babies safe?"
The nurse told her everything was fine and that she'd had a girl and a boy.  "Oh brilliant" she said, "that's wonderful news, where are they?".  "Your brother is looking after them", the nurse said "he's even given them their names.
"Oh no" she cried, "he's thick as anything, what's he called them?" she said, worried.
The nurse said that he'd named the girl Deniece.  "Oh, that's fine, i like that name.  And the boy?"
"Denephew" replied the nurse.

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I asked my wife to pass me the phone book, and she handed me her tablet, saying, "John you're such a technophobe, use this".  The fly didn't know what hit it but she isn't too impressed with the cracked screen to be honest.

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Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do.  For instance, take Beethoven, everyone said he would never be a good musician because he was deaf.  But did he listen?

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Speaking of Beethoven, I was walking through Central Cemetery in Vienna when I heard strange music coming from one of the graves.  I managed to work out it was his 9th symphony, but it was playing backwards, then his 8th, then his 7th and so on. There was a big crowd gathered round and I asked what was going on.  The guy next to me said. It's Beethoven, he's decomposing.

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I think my new neighbour fancies me.  Every time I see her in her car she waves at me, sometimes with both legs.